All posts tagged marriage

On coping and surviving.

by tealou on March 8, 2010 in Married Life, the googletubes with 3 Comments

I have had a shit week. In fact, I have had a pretty shit 2 years which really all just came to a big lump of big fat fruition this week.

I’ve had some bad luck, made some poor decisions, met some people whose only interest in me is what I can do for them… you know… lots of little things that have culminated in a week where I felt like I was in freefall.

Freefall in my marriage. Freefall in my business. Freefall with my health… you know… just… an unending feeling of complete lack of control.

There have been lots of times when this has happened in my life… and I mean lots. The kind of individual life stresses that happen to normal people, ruin their lives by happening once, have happened to me pretty much consistently since birth. In fact, if you can name a [first world...] trauma, I’ve lived it.

I am not what you would call a “lucky” person, if pressed to answer in such dichotomies.

But you know, in many ways, I am. Because part of this is also means I am equipped with tremendous emotional strength. I am a good fixer. After I initially fall in a heap, process information round and round and round again, I eventually come out the other end with a set of solutions to fix it and continue to survive until the next crisis. I am also compassionate, and empathetic, and all of those things that come with going through grief.

For better or worse, social media, and my over-use of it in those times, makes it hard to explain, in the moment, that I am moving through a process. My updates have quite a distinct pattern if you look hard enough… that usually after a day of melancholy, grief, depression, processing… I emerge with solutions to my problems.

And, most importantly, I ACT on those solutions.

The problems of the last few years, 95% of which have been completely out of my control, have put tremendous strain on our marriage. And, despite having a successful business, the personal financial implications of workplace injuries, worker’s compensation, medical bills, new babies, extremely poor financial advice etc… are threatening to take the business with it.

Yesterday, it felt like both my marriage and my business were over. Today, after a day of reflection, problem solving, I am sure that I can dig the business out of the hole. Maybe. The marriage, well, that is going to require lots of work… but you know… this is the warts & all of social media, my friends. Yeah, my marriage is in trouble and neither of us know what the decision is just yet. But you know… that’s life.

Social media, like nothing else, is a warts & all accounts of moments in time. Our innermost thoughts and impulses are public… and reading back on it sometimes leads to embarrassment… or accusations of “overshare” or whatever. But you know what? It’s my network and I really don’t care if people have this view.

I often post updates on social media networks to try an reach out to friends for some advice, reflection or support. Some of you help, some of you don’t. And that’s ok, because over time, I start to get a sense of who is truly there for me and who isn’t. Mostly in the “isn’t” pile, but hey, that’s ok too.

I have lots of acquaintances, well wishers, superficial friendships where, on my good days, it can distract me from the fact that I have no 100%, no-pretence, no-conditions, warts-and-all friendships, except for my marriage. I don’t have a mother, or anyone else I can rely on when the only true friendship that I ever had starts to fall apart around me.

So I turn to Twitter, I turn to Facebook… because you know, some token friendship and advice is better than none.

I am lonely and I admit it. I am human and I admit that too. And sometimes, I exercise poor judgement… I admit that. But you know, I get to connect with people I wouldn’t ordinarily connect with, and sometimes I feel just a little bit less like a brainy outer space alien that can’t connect on a meaningful level with any other person… and a little more like I have friends.

Even if they aren’t real.

D-I-V-Ø-R-C-E

by tealou on June 8, 2009 in LOLs, Relationships with 2 Comments

For some inexplicable reason, I have an overwhelming desire to bump the previous post from the top of the page. What better motivation, I guess, than trying to replace your husband’s ill-conceived attempts at comedy…

So I am going to talk about something a little bit cleaner, and a tad more serious. Something that threatens more marriages worldwide than even the most depraved of perverts (see below) combined:

IKEA furniture assembly.

After 13 years together and 7 years of marriage, Jason and I now have an understanding that I am no longer allowed to assemble IKEA furniture. In fact, I am not even allowed in the same room where IKEA assembly is taking place. There is a reason for this.

Every time we do it, it nearly ends in divorce.

See I, Aries, jump in feet first, figure it out as I go along, and sift through the big bag of bolts and pluggy bits, scatter everything all over the floor, and muck my way through. I find things as I need them, do things as I need them, and occasionally put panels on backwards – only to realise when almost finished that its backwards and then have to pull things out and start again.

Jason, Capricorn, sorts all the screws, plans, and takes twice as long as I would by going in feet first first. He methodically reads the instructions, makes sure things are even, and generally has no bits left over at the end.

(In other words, he does it WRONG.)

And I feel the need to tell him how wrong he is, until it inevitably ends in someone stabbing the other with a screwdriver.

So, I have been banned from assembling furniture in the same room as my husband out of genuine concern that my children may not have a mother when he finally snaps after one-too-many “are you sure that goes that way…?“.

Having talked to other couples, I realise that this IKEA furniture assembly problem seems to be a common one… where couples peruse IKEA with the grand idea of replicating the awesome organisation of the catalogue, only to find that:

  1. The boxes don’t fit in the car (despite having decided to go to IKEA to save on delivery costs in the first place)
  2. You then need to pay for delivery
  3. That buying more than 2 items at a time results in a loungeroom full of flatpacked boxes, resulting in severe “what the fuck have I done?” buyers remorse, moments after you get them home.
  4. The novelty idea of assembling furniture has a very steep law of diminishing returns. The first chest of drawers is fun. The 3rd is right up there with swallowing an allen key and then passing it.

So, your romantic notions of organisation, wise use of space, (and having an unlimited tea candle supply) go out the window as you realise that IKEA is not the house of dreams you thought it was.

For the young couples that are thinking of getting married, I urge you to move in together first. Buy yourself a Billy Bookcase. If your relationship survives Billy, move up to the Mikael Desk. If it survives the Mikael Desk, move onto the MALM chest of drawers. If your relationship survives the assembly of a MALM chest of drawers, it will survive most things and you are assured to remain together for at least 10 years. If it survives the assembly of 2 chests of MALM drawers in one day, you are soulmates and can get through ANYTHING life has to throw at your relationship.

Or, you could actually buy your furniture not in pieces and hope for the best. It’s up to you.