The Double Digits of Doom – Happy Birthday Mina.

by tealou on September 9, 2011 in Birthday Letters with 1 Comment

The cursor keeps blinking at me. I have been staring at it, on and off for about ten minutes. I’ve checked my Facebook twice, my Twitter, refreshed my email… then… back to that damn cursor. It’s even worse than last year.

I know you’re able to read these now, and the pressure that I feel, to write something meaningful to you, but also entertaining for the others who have read these posts since you were a baby… it’s a tough, tough line to walk.

Because now, I just want you to think that I am cool. And… well… you and I both know that that is a tough ask.. because… you are a 10 year old girl and I am your mother.

But, I am cool, I swear. Sometimes. Ahem.

So, the blinking cursor becomes so overwhelming that I put my earphones on, and listen to music to try and find the flow. And, I put on the song “Still Fighting It” by Ben Folds. The song that was released the year you were born, and to this day makes me think of you.

You know, except for the pick-up truck.

And then I listen to that song, and it all comes flooding back. The 36 hours of the brow presentation pain from hell, the non-working c-section anaesthetic, the almost dying (for the first time), you in the humidicrib. The planes crashing into the towers. The painkillers. Watching my world begin, while fearing the world was ending all at the same time.

And you entered my life and changed it forever.

And I sit, stunned, that that was a decade ago. A DECADE. Then it hits me… I have a 10 year old child. It has been 10 years since the terrorist attacks in New York. It has been 10 years and it feels like… 2. The day that you were born, I was worried about the future of the world. And the grim threat of World War 3 that unfolded in the weeks after made me worry that there would even be a world in 10 years. That worry soon turned into worrying about whether I was doing the right thing as a parent. Wanting to create a world for you that was different to mine. Where you knew from the outset that you were loved, supported and could count on me.

And 10 years later, the world still continues to turn (despite being epically fucked up). And it is now not just my world, but yours now too. And despite having had some pretty huge reminders about how short and fragile life can be… the realisation of how fast a decade feels becomes a thought that is… overwhelming.

Because you now exist in a world that is separate from the one we created for you. You have your own experiences, your own thoughts, your own views on the world… and honestly? I am so pleased with what I see.

I remember being 10. And I remember the lifelong damage that can be done to a kid at this age, because… well… that’s where I was. The responsibility of that is crushing… knowing that you have mature thoughts, and conclusions about the world around you, and future aspirations… and…

Yeah… this is where you get the overthinking from.

Man, you are smart. And I don’t just mean book-smart. You are funny in a very clever way. And you are not afraid to be different… and the fairy princess of 5 years ago is a mere memory on YouTube. And as I reflect back on all the previous birthday letters that I write, I can look back and say… I think we are doing OK.

You are SO serious. And meticulous. In a way that I am not. And you drive me crazy with it. I do worry about you carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders too much sometimes. And if there is one thing I wish for you, it is for you to relax and enjoy just being a kid.

But, I can hardly talk… I am the classic overthinker and ruiner of everything by being too intense… and too smart for my own good. So I know… “relax” is a word you are going to hear an awful lot in years to come. Yeah, right? EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

In a way, I think it’s the result of the last few years of death, divorce, and your world changing so much. Last year, your Dad and I had separated a few weeks before and it has been a long, hard road. But we are getting there. And I think we are slowly finding a way to make it work. You’ve been witness to more fights than I would have liked. And certainly I haven’t been as involved in your life as I would have liked. But… you know… we do the best we can. My relationship with my own mother… my fears of having you feel the rejection I did, that follows me through ever relationship I have… it’s quite overwhelming at times. But… despite me having to fight a lot of my demons through this, I know that I am committed to doing the absolute best I can.

And in another 10 years, when I will no doubt lament at how 20 years has now gone by like it was 2 years, and I inevitably start to think about the big things, like I am now… I will want to look back and know that I did OK. Because today, I see the woman you are going to be. And I feel some relief, that because despite me thinking for many years that I was not a very good mother – despite me worrying every single day about the damage I am doing to you by leaving you with you Dad… or not being that cake-baking, assembly-attending kind of Mum playing on my mind… I look at the result and I know that we are doing OK.

I know you’re going to start hating me for the next few years, but… you’ll be back. last year, I was worried sick that I would lose my children to someone else. Hell, I am still worried sick about that every day. But… I am secretly confident that I have done OK and that even when we hate each other, we love each other too. And you’ll come back.

Happy birthday. And, if there is one piece of advice I can offer you… relax. The world won’t explode if you let go and have fun. Just not too much fun. You still have to do your homework.

Love you.

Mum.

Stop putting numbers on it.

by tealou on September 3, 2011 in People are Stupid, Random Observations, Social Media, Tech, the googletubes, The Internet with No comments

Last week, I was witness to a semantic discussion about the next wave of social media technologies and community. I have started seeing “Social Media 2.0″, “Web 3.0″, etc cropping up and I want to say something.

Stop it.

Please.

Because Social Media is NOT about computers. It is not a piece of software that someone can just buy a new version of and join. And it perpetuates a ridiculous misunderstanding that it is at all related to computers, platforms and tools.

It is not.

Social Media is a concept. It is a multidisciplinary revolution of technology, community, philosophy, psychology, anthropology, politics… and the list goes on.

It is a movement. It is hard to define. It transcends versions, and platforms, and technologies.

It is a concept in its own right, and by putting those ridiculous numbers after it, we are lumping it into IT. It needs to stop.

Please stop it. My clients are getting confused. Thank you.

Paddling like hell.

by tealou on August 20, 2011 in Health, Introspectives, Téa with No comments

It’s been a while since I did a health-related post. Mostly because I have reached a point of sort-of stability, but partly because I have been going through a period of reflection: after the initial processing and grieving, I have been learning as much as I can, trying to really figure out that thing called “the rest of my life”.

It’s not easy being me. Granted, it’s not easy being anyone, really, but for me, I do have a particular set of hurdles that make it… kind of difficult. Coming to a point of acceptance that I will never be “normal”… that I will never be “better”… you know… that has taken quite a long time to process.

I have Lupus. I also have ADHD (and a few other things that overlap, but those are the main 2). And even though so many give their sympathy with regard to the Lupus (some don’t even do that…), as time goes on I am finding the ADHD so much more pervasive and hard to manage than the constant pain and the antibodies attacking my nervous and endocrine systems. I am somewhat at peace with premature death hanging over my head.

Yes, there are those nutjobs that think Lupus is just a result of consuming aspartame, or as a result of weight gain (um, no… weight gain is a symptom…), but they are, for the most part, marginalised by the broader community. And articles like The Spoon Theory have really helped the people in my life who don’t understand… to understand a little better. Or, at least get better at shutting their mouth around me.

As time goes on, I am finding it more difficult to get understanding around ADHD and its pervasiveness in my life, especially, the fact that I have needs, because… ignorance about it is just so…common. And, it is starting to manifest in frustration and stress… mostly because I wish people could know just how hard it is with both disorders, to simply get up, go to work and be a “normal” functioning person every day.

This week, I had a little bit of a meltdown. I have started a new job and somewhat glossed over the fact that my brain is wired a certain way. Even without the pain & weirdness of Lupus, ADHD alone is a minute-by-minute internal struggle. The thing that caused my little internal meltdown this week was… a project plan. In an area that I am an expert in. My first one. In my new job, where everyone was expecting brilliance.

It is so hard to articulate  when people say “ohhh yeaaaaaah it’s soooo hard to concentrate sometimes”.

Yeah. For a normal person, who can choose to snap out of it. Times about 5 million.

Much like hearing someone whinge about a pulled muscle when you live with ongoing pain… it’s insensitive to underestimate how difficult ADHD is. It’s not simply a matter of being unable to sit still, or even procrastinating. It is literally impossible to function sometimes… even if we want to.

It doesn’t go away.

It is extraordinarily difficult to get and maintain focus to complete tasks that others take for granted. Hyperfocus is my friend, and I have learned to channel it… sometimes. But when I can’t get there, it is like pushing shit uphill. Even on medication. Fluorescent lights buzzing. Conversations outside. People coming in to have conversations. The sun. The rain. Screen reflection. The sound of the coffee machine. The phone ringing. The stress of a deadline. The stress of wanting to perform well in a high-level, creative job. The internal monologue about how I am not good enough, smart enough, focused enough. Whether my hair is irritating me. Gantt charts. Paragraphs. Written reports. Dot points. Plans… you get the drift.

This is not normal stress. It is not a normal process. My brain simply cannot just focus when I want it to. It’s not a switch I can flip when it suits me… because if I could, I certainly wouldn’t choose to be not sleeping, agonising over something that is an easy task. And if there is stress, or performance anxiety attached, I am cactus. It’s a horrible, debilitating loop of interruption, anxiety and stress… no one would choose it.

It’s not as simple as just telling me to get organised. If only it was. And like I don’t have every single tool, 3 notebooks, an iPhone, alarms, a calendar and every other system in place… you know… because I am not fucking retarded. It’s an internal process that quite literally puts my system into a loop when stressed. I don’t suffer from an Attention Deficit. I suffer from an attention overload.

And stress makes me my Lupus worse. ha ha ha. Yay me.

I need to start being more assertive about my needs. Because I am clever. I can certainly write a goddamn project plan… I got through a Masters for God’s sake! But, it’s about putting the right setting in place to not make me come unstuck. And it’s really hard in an employment context, to make demands for an environment that everyone else can work in. And it’s a great environment… but I am struggling internally. I have needs. I guess I need to start learning assertiveness… but I am always afraid of being seen as difficult, or a drama queen, or worse, lazy or stupid.

I’m not. I work my arse off to appear normal… and I fail at that so often…

I guess I need to just get used to the fact that I have specific needs and it does not diminish my talent, or intelligence, or morality. And in many ways, it is more a gift than a hindrance (with creativity, non-linear thinking etc). But I also can’t help but think that it doesn’t seem fair that it is my role to educate… you know? If I was in a wheelchair, or deaf… it would need to be accommodated, right? So why do I feel so afraid to ask for help and understanding with ADHD? My employers are brilliant… and I don’t think it would ever be a problem… this is very much an internal issue with being seen as not worth it… I dunno.

Not only is that swan you see, looking graceful in the water against the tide, paddling like all hell… they also have pain in those legs, lost half of their babies in that water and are shot at by hunters. There is always that point where you can choose to stop paddling and just go where the tide takes you… or… you can choose to paddle.

And I choose to paddle. But it would be nice, if, once in a while, the tide would just change and give me a rest for a bit.

Thanks for reading my brain vomit :)

Pissing off the right people. For the right reasons.

by tealou on July 28, 2011 in Big Picture Stuff, Social Media, The Internet, Uncategorized with 1 Comment

This week, I had a realisation.

Some people don’t like me. In fact, there are some people out there that hate my guts.

That wasn’t the realisation part… I mean… I have been blogging since before the word ‘blog’ was a word. I have been a ‘figure’ on the internet for longer than that. And I have always attracted my fair share of detractors. I polarise. That’s no mystery. I do it on purpose.

The realisation for me, is that there are people who don’t like me… and I am OK with it.

My friend sent me a link to this little tidbit and it affirmed what I had suspected: attracting hate is as much a part of having a profile online as attracting praise. It simply goes with the territory. I don’t attract any more or any less hatred than anyone else who puts themselves out there. In fact, as worried as I was about the iPad stunt drawing lots of negative attention… it didn’t. The response was overwhelmingly positive. The only real trolling I got was from people who… follow me around to troll me.

I have always been interested in the psychology of bullying. There are a lot of people I don’t respect. There are a lot of people I have no time for, because, let’s be honest… there are people who are a waste of space and oxygen. But they are also a waste of my energy, so I don’t bother. And I certainly don’t have time to be following them online just to harass them!

To be that motivated by hate has to come from somewhere. Good ol’ Wikipedia summarises it best. Their behaviour is not about me. It’s about what I bring out in others. They hate my caricature. They hate my persona.

They can’t possibly hate me, the person, because they don’t know me.

It’s a liberating thought.

I have always set out to piss people off a little. The Perth Business “networking” scene is very conservative. Say the word “cunt” and they’re all of a dither. I once presented at a Social Media Panel for these people… and all they could fixate on was the language. I was asked how I “get away with swearing online”. Yeah. I was asked that and I am still gobsmacked by it.

The conformists struggle to get that one can be clever and also swear. And one can also use those words deliberately. And the fact that they are so focused on the words, rather than the intent, just goes to show how they really… just don’t get it. Much like those who thought the iPad thing was about me wanting a husband. Let’s be honest… they’re not bright people.

I say the things I do primarily to get a response. It is a predictable and measured response. The number of times I have been told, condescendingly, to “behave”… that’s just not what I do. I am happy to alienate those who are that superficial, or conformist, or even that dumb. I am happy not fitting into the Perth Business clique. I believe that these ideas about “behaving” or “shutting up” or “not making waves”… have strong sexist overtones. And, as a feminist and a philosopher… “behaving” is just not compatible with those core views.

I love Germaine Greer. And Gloria Steinhem. And Nellie McKay. And George Carlin. And Doug Stanhope. And Ricky Gervais. They push the right buttons and all have their haters as a result. If I can produce something that is even 1% of the influence these people have had on me, pissing a few people off is worth it. Because, like them, I enjoy the rise I get out of those I deliberately poke. Because their attitudes are oppressive.

Carlin, Stanhope, Greer… all have people who LOVE them. And people who HATE them. Very few people are indifferent about them. And they have all caused, in some way, revolutionary change despite having vast number of people who hate them.

There are people who hate Oprah Winfrey. There are people who hated Mother Teresa, for fuck’s sake.

I am not likening myself to Oprah or Mother Teresa. Because that’s just retarded. But, I am highlighting the fact that anyone who has ever stood up for anything, attracts hatred from the status quo. Even on a small scale.

So, my realisation is that my number of detractors is as much a reflection of my success as are those who say nice things.I can’t remember if it was Greer or Steinhem who said that receiving death threats is a sign you are a threat to the establishment… but on some level this applies. I consciously piss off the right people. And they are most welcome to sit around, slagging me off at Media140 Perth (ironically, while I am all over the media for proving the strength of social media). Because it comes back to me. And I laugh at the small mindedness. And I know that there are people there who know me, get me and laugh at it.

Because, the fact that people are talking about me at all, positively or negatively, is a sign that I am making an impact. And ultimately, reflects badly on those whose time in power is running out. Technology is killing the top-down control of people. A big portion of corporate board time is mistakenly asking the question “HOW CAN WE CONTROL PEOPLE”. It’s dying.

I like to think that eventually there will be a world where ridiculous notions of “behaving” to fit in will die. PR spin will die. People’s humanity, and honesty will be taken as something to be celebrated rather than suppressed. We all poo. We all fart. Stop treating humanity as a character flaw. And then maybe, we can actually stop with the bullshit. Stop firing someone for having a few drinks and tweeting when they are off the clock. Stop being so goddamn afraid of your boss. That’s truly revolutionary.

If I can contribute just a little to breaking down these ridiculous structures, and remind people that it is OK to express yourself… then I am OK with being hated.

All the fun people have haters, and it’s more about accepting that as a part of having an opinion.

On not giving a fuck for 5 years.

by tealou on July 21, 2011 in Big Picture Stuff, Death, iPadofLove with 1 Comment

Because of the craziness of the last week, I have only just gotten around to this post. 5 years ago this week, I nearly died. Like, seriously, pale-faced-ICU-Consultant-preparing-my-husband-for-the-worst kind of “almost died”.

I changed from that point. I started to see the rest of my life as a second chance, and to live as if I was on borrowed time.

A couple of months ago I was sent this blog entry. It hit me in the guts, because it really is something that EVERYONE should read, and try to live their life by.

Oh, how many times I have been that I would be a “star” or “more successful” if I would toe the line, not swear, not make waves. In Perth, there is a corporate culture and an expectation that you don’t make waves. You must suck the proverbial dick of those in authority… especially if you are a woman. But this is fool’s gold. I don’t want to be a “star”, or have more money than I need. My definition of “success” is different to other peoples, and I am actually living successfully… as I define it.

I am truthful. I am happy to take on idiots. I take risks. I constantly suppress that voice that tells me to conform for conformity’s sake. Because I am not afraid. Everything has a way of working itself out. When I posted the “iPadofLove” competition, it was not out of narcissism, or for money, or fame… it was purely for my own sense of adventure and curiosity. People find me challenging and frustrating because of this. One person in particular feels the need to ‘counsel’ me on how to behave and become a fame whore like him. Because he assumes I want what he so desperately desires (fame). I don’t.

  • I only do jobs I want to do.
  • I only care what those who are close to me think of me.
  • I am a good mother to my children.
  • I work hard.
  • I believe in a great love and I am looking for it. I am also happy if it doesn’t happen, because I am a fulfilled person in my own right.
  • I take time to appreciate the smallest of things, and the biggest of concepts that are lost on people that are afraid.

Don’t be afraid. Stop giving a fuck. Because when you’re dead, that’s it. There is nothing left except your legacy. And no-one ever wants to have a eulogy that reads “paid all their bills on time, worked the same job for 50 years and acquired an investment property.”. At least, I don’t.

I want a legacy that makes people laugh when they think of the shit I have pulled and stuff I have said. I want people to see that everything I have ever done has been in the spirit of adventure, honesty to the point of being brutal, and not letting “life” get me down.

When you anonymously troll a blog, or have internet wars, or waste your time with petty fallouts with people… that is a wasted life. And that is why I feel sorry for people who engage in that. Similarly, people who use other people as a means of getting ahead themselves… or people that are cruel to animals or children. How utterly pointless.

Do some good. But the good that matters. Not merely by living a compliant life, filled with rules, and fear, and worry about others might think, but by being brave. Try not giving a fuck. You may find it liberating.

You may be surprised.

Every day, I am thankful to have survived. All of us should be thankful to be born (and alive) in the first place.

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