All posts in Uncategorized

Rock star be six.

by tealou on November 7, 2011 in Birthday Letters, Motherhood Rules!, Uncategorized with No comments

Jules.

My baby Julesy. My rock star, my shining light. My first foray into being the mother of a boy. My buddy, my quiet child, my geek.

My noodle-eater, my dag, my clown, my Mina-tormenter, my intense and utterly beautiful, kind-hearted son.

You’re six. SIX.

FUCK.

I remember writing Mina’s 6th Birthday post and that was 4 years ago.

I remember writing your birthday post about the Cheesecake shop raining Skittles from heaven and rescuing me from a cake disaster.

I remember this.

I remember this.

I remember this.

And this.

And this.

And this.

I remember Wiggles concerts.

I remember Pixar movie after Pixar movie.

I remember Wank. I remember… well…

everything, mate.

And I am watching them all tonight and grinning from ear to ear. It speaks for itself really :)

And I am just so immensely proud of you, I am finding it hard to put into words. Because, there was a time I was worried about you. And I am sorry for doubting you, because I was wrong. I have absolutely nothing to worry about, because you are kind, smart, cheeky and absolutely anything anyone could ever want in a son. Not that anyone else can have you because you are MY boy. And I am glad you chose me to be your Mum.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you on your actual birthday this year. As I am sure you know by the time you are reading this… I have health problems that sometimes prevent me from being able to do the things I want to do. This year, it was because you had 2 infections and it’s just too risky when I am in the middle of a flare. I felt awful and cried for a good portion of the weekend, because, well, noone really wants to be quarantined from their own children… but… my illness is getting more manageable as time goes on and hopefully, this will be a mere blip. Because you know I love you. I love you all, but Julesy, you have a special place in my heart.

It took me a while to really bond to you. Because I was prepared for losing you at 25 weeks, it was hard to not keep a safe emotional distance for the remainder of the pregnancy. Add to that the shock of having 2 kids (hahaha haha haha…. yeah)… well.. you know. But, you know I came back. And you are my special baby and always will be, even when you tower over me and smell like feet.

Keep being you.

I love you,

Mum

You Really Want to Know?

by tealou on September 15, 2011 in People are Stupid, Random Observations, Social Media, Uncategorized with 4 Comments

I just want to say a few things about the ridiculous RUOK Campaign.

Despite the best of intentions, unless you are prepared for the following answer:

“No, actually, I am not OK. My life has fed me a shit sandwich since the day I was born and it continues to get worse. The only reason I stick around is because I am too determined to not let my piece of shit life defeat me.”

or

“No, I think about ending my life every single day”.

or

“No, I need your help.”

Seriously? Don’t ask.

If you are not prepared to pay $100 an hour for a Psychologist, or are not prepared to pay their bills and feed their cat when they are hospitalised…

If you are not prepared to have someone break down in front of you.

If you don’t really know someone very well.

Then back the fuck off.

It’s a nice thought, really, but are you equipped to deal with the answer?

Have you experienced our mental health system lately?

The help isn’t there. Not really. Funding is cut to mental health services. No one gets support when recovering. Not really. We still have to work, pay bills, prioritise our days, parent… we all have to cope.

I agree that suffering in silence is a big, big problem. But sometimes, not talking about it helps you to just get through one more day, without losing your shit entirely.

If you have ever sat in a Psychologist’s office, you will know the power of the question “How are you?”. It’s a big responsibility to ask that question. It is not something that should be done without serious consideration. And training.

I know they mean well. But… this is serious stuff. Reducing Psychology into water cooler conversation is the height of irresponsibility and recklessness.

Pissing off the right people. For the right reasons.

by tealou on July 28, 2011 in Big Picture Stuff, Social Media, The Internet, Uncategorized with 1 Comment

This week, I had a realisation.

Some people don’t like me. In fact, there are some people out there that hate my guts.

That wasn’t the realisation part… I mean… I have been blogging since before the word ‘blog’ was a word. I have been a ‘figure’ on the internet for longer than that. And I have always attracted my fair share of detractors. I polarise. That’s no mystery. I do it on purpose.

The realisation for me, is that there are people who don’t like me… and I am OK with it.

My friend sent me a link to this little tidbit and it affirmed what I had suspected: attracting hate is as much a part of having a profile online as attracting praise. It simply goes with the territory. I don’t attract any more or any less hatred than anyone else who puts themselves out there. In fact, as worried as I was about the iPad stunt drawing lots of negative attention… it didn’t. The response was overwhelmingly positive. The only real trolling I got was from people who… follow me around to troll me.

I have always been interested in the psychology of bullying. There are a lot of people I don’t respect. There are a lot of people I have no time for, because, let’s be honest… there are people who are a waste of space and oxygen. But they are also a waste of my energy, so I don’t bother. And I certainly don’t have time to be following them online just to harass them!

To be that motivated by hate has to come from somewhere. Good ol’ Wikipedia summarises it best. Their behaviour is not about me. It’s about what I bring out in others. They hate my caricature. They hate my persona.

They can’t possibly hate me, the person, because they don’t know me.

It’s a liberating thought.

I have always set out to piss people off a little. The Perth Business “networking” scene is very conservative. Say the word “cunt” and they’re all of a dither. I once presented at a Social Media Panel for these people… and all they could fixate on was the language. I was asked how I “get away with swearing online”. Yeah. I was asked that and I am still gobsmacked by it.

The conformists struggle to get that one can be clever and also swear. And one can also use those words deliberately. And the fact that they are so focused on the words, rather than the intent, just goes to show how they really… just don’t get it. Much like those who thought the iPad thing was about me wanting a husband. Let’s be honest… they’re not bright people.

I say the things I do primarily to get a response. It is a predictable and measured response. The number of times I have been told, condescendingly, to “behave”… that’s just not what I do. I am happy to alienate those who are that superficial, or conformist, or even that dumb. I am happy not fitting into the Perth Business clique. I believe that these ideas about “behaving” or “shutting up” or “not making waves”… have strong sexist overtones. And, as a feminist and a philosopher… “behaving” is just not compatible with those core views.

I love Germaine Greer. And Gloria Steinhem. And Nellie McKay. And George Carlin. And Doug Stanhope. And Ricky Gervais. They push the right buttons and all have their haters as a result. If I can produce something that is even 1% of the influence these people have had on me, pissing a few people off is worth it. Because, like them, I enjoy the rise I get out of those I deliberately poke. Because their attitudes are oppressive.

Carlin, Stanhope, Greer… all have people who LOVE them. And people who HATE them. Very few people are indifferent about them. And they have all caused, in some way, revolutionary change despite having vast number of people who hate them.

There are people who hate Oprah Winfrey. There are people who hated Mother Teresa, for fuck’s sake.

I am not likening myself to Oprah or Mother Teresa. Because that’s just retarded. But, I am highlighting the fact that anyone who has ever stood up for anything, attracts hatred from the status quo. Even on a small scale.

So, my realisation is that my number of detractors is as much a reflection of my success as are those who say nice things.I can’t remember if it was Greer or Steinhem who said that receiving death threats is a sign you are a threat to the establishment… but on some level this applies. I consciously piss off the right people. And they are most welcome to sit around, slagging me off at Media140 Perth (ironically, while I am all over the media for proving the strength of social media). Because it comes back to me. And I laugh at the small mindedness. And I know that there are people there who know me, get me and laugh at it.

Because, the fact that people are talking about me at all, positively or negatively, is a sign that I am making an impact. And ultimately, reflects badly on those whose time in power is running out. Technology is killing the top-down control of people. A big portion of corporate board time is mistakenly asking the question “HOW CAN WE CONTROL PEOPLE”. It’s dying.

I like to think that eventually there will be a world where ridiculous notions of “behaving” to fit in will die. PR spin will die. People’s humanity, and honesty will be taken as something to be celebrated rather than suppressed. We all poo. We all fart. Stop treating humanity as a character flaw. And then maybe, we can actually stop with the bullshit. Stop firing someone for having a few drinks and tweeting when they are off the clock. Stop being so goddamn afraid of your boss. That’s truly revolutionary.

If I can contribute just a little to breaking down these ridiculous structures, and remind people that it is OK to express yourself… then I am OK with being hated.

All the fun people have haters, and it’s more about accepting that as a part of having an opinion.

Maladaptive Bullshit.

by tealou on January 14, 2011 in Uncategorized with No comments

I had a big wake up call today. I need to pull myself the fuck out of whatever crap-arse grief psychology I’ve had lately. I’m better than this. My Grandmother used to do this. She would build things up in her head, jump to erroneous conclusions, and dramatically cut people out of her life.

I can think of 4 times when she changed her phone number so we couldn’t call her.

She was passionate and loving and generous. But, she used to spin how much she gave, or how much she cared, or how much she was simply seeking “basic respect” into a tool of manipulation. She would be loving and caring and then BLAMMO if you looked at her the wrong way and you were an ungrateful, hurtful bastard and it was the basis for her to destroy you. She did this to me.

She died alone.

Patterns.

I do the same thing. It became abundantly obvious today.

I have some serious fucking reflection to do, some serious bridge building to do, and I need to wake AND GROW the fuck up or I am going to be in the same boat.

To those I have hurt in the last few years with my fucked up, backward, paranoid behaviour, I apologise. Apologies don’t cut it, I know. I don’t actually deserve forgiveness.

I had a wake up call today. I looked within and didn’t like the person I have become.

I’ve let being a “survivor” dictate and justify my defensive, abusive, fucked up behaviour towards other people one too many times. I push people to the edge. I push people who I care more about on this planet away because of my perception that I don’t deserve them.

Right now, I don’t.

I am not this person. I don’t know who I am.

But this cannot continue.

Epic Epiphany.

by tealou on January 2, 2011 in Uncategorized with No comments

I was never meant to be a Doctor. But I love helping people and fixing people.

I was never meant to be a Policy Officer. But I love writing and analysing and problem-solving.

I most certainly was never meant to be a business person or web designer. But I love being creative and expressing ideas.

Everything that has happened to me, everything I have attempted studywise and never quite found the right fit… has culminated. So many stop-start degrees, lots of life events, lots of “not quite right” jobs where I just didn’t quite fit… it all leads to this point.

I have been reflecting for months, trying to suss out my next step. I have taken a job at a University, which was the first step of admitting I didn’t really like my business. I have been thinking about what I might like to study, considering allied health, or going onto PhD, or studying a Writing degree. None felt right.

As a result of this long reflection, I have applied for a Graduate Diploma in Psychology. I get to do clinical, professional practice, that isn’t being a Doctor. I get
to think like a Politician without having to work in Politics. I can write about ideas and explore my curiosity about life & meaning. I will get the opportunity to help people, nurture people, and help them in their times of need.

It only took me 32 years to work it out, but I am a Psychologist :D

I don’t know what kind just yet, I am open, but right now, I see myself as a Health Clinical Psych – helping patients & their families to cope with illness – cancer, palliative care, chronic illness… something like that.

I had a gut wrenching, all encompassing, emotionally intense and overwhelming epiphany.

This is right. I have finally found it.

Yay :)

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